Out of the Mouth of Babes

We all have heard those stories about kids who issue truths in public. It's the story you hear over coffee or while having dinner with friends - - "And then he said, 'Mommy that lady is fat!'" Or "...and Janey said, 'You smell!'" We laugh. Sometimes we're astounded and wonder what we'd have done if put in the same situation. Mostly, though, we seethe in secret jealousy. If only we'd be free to innocently spout off those same observations.

Last weekend we went to get a poster framed. There were people being helped ahead of us, but we decided to wait, thinking it would only be a few minutes until our turn. Of course, that only happens when you have all the time in the world or you're not with a three year old child. The store was hot like menopause. I was constantly blousing my shirt, trying to generate a little relief. The air was thick and my watch, each time I checked it, looked a bit more and more like a Dali painting.

At some point, two biddies strolled into the line. Or rather, they strolled adjacent to the line. As if they were going to merge in. Yeah, nice try. But not on my watch, Esmerlda. In my mind, I ran a few lines to hear how they sounded. "Um, I believe I was actually next." Or "Excuse me, we were next and.... well, I don't know how much longer my child will be able to handle waiting." Hmm.. too desperate?

Esmerelda and her friend were into sewing. They had their wares with them and they were planning on how they should frame their latest craft. I have great affection for people who can sew and sew well. There are some lovely creations lounging on sofas and adorning walls all over America. I remember the intricate table clothes my mother brought out on special occasions that she and other had embroidered. And there was the wall hanging she did for my father's office with the (for the era) witty quip: "Old Lawyers Never Die, they Just Lose their Briefs". But Esmerelda's piece did not fall into that category. It was done with a saccharine design that she no doubt created on her own. The kind of thing that would go well with the "Hang in there!" kitten poster from the late 70's/early 80's. The main color was a washed-out cabbage green, accented by baby-vomit yellow-brown. Make no mistake, these ladies were not being courted by anyone from TLC, Discovery or The Home and Garden Channel.

So we waited, and waited. And I could tell that my three year old was getting restless. She'd had enough. She wanted out and needed to make her own little Shawshank Redemption plot to get free. So.... just loudly enough to be heard, --and was that a twinkle in her eye? -- a smirk on her face?-- she said, "Mommy, that lady has a funny-looking face." Now that was true. Her face was funny looking. There was something very asymmetrical about it. But as funny as her face was, I'm sure her ears were in perfect working order. Standard issue eardrums and all. I saw her freeze in her tracks. She must have heard. Yes, she heard. So I had to make a big show of trying not to make a big show of reprimanding my child. I leaned in closely to my child's face, our noses nearly touching, and did my best imitation of the scary face my mother used on us. Not like that ever worked, of course. But I whispered hotly that that was not a nice thing to say and that we didn't talk about people that way. I figured this would do it -- and if need be-- I'd let her merge in front of me in line. That would be my punishment. Luckily, a shadow box frame caught her fancy and all of her attention was diverted away from us. But best of all, two sales people appeared out of nowhere. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause.